THE GREATEST MISTAKE OF ALL

It was Thursday 8th February 2007 when I failed to kill myself. I was in hospital until May 1st, after which I was fortunate enough to return to my parents’ house to re-hab, learning to walk, read and communicate again. It was 18th October when I moved into Lemming’s Rest to restart my life. It was not until this point that I stopped feeling completely useless and an utter failure. I started to write Bounce in November but, after only eight pages, my old computer died and I had to wait until after the festive season before I saved up for a little, second-hand lap-top and I began writing in earnest around the 20th January. The book was finished by the end of April and I set about raising the £3,400 needed to self-publish. Bounce was published at the tail of August and I concentrated completely on publicity, which I had begun in July. By November, I had been in all sorts of newspapers, radio shows and two television programmes. Pip Schofield described the book as, ‘Amazing’, which was very kind of him. He hasn’t read the thing, obviously, but it was sweet nonetheless. In all of these interviews people keep asking me about suicide, something that has not crossed my mind since March, when I was writing those chapters. I live in the present, life is too exciting for such maudlin, moribund and morbid thoughts and there is not point in remembering the worst part of my life.
Having said that, it is apparent that people do wish to know about my experiences wanting to die above anything else, and I have felt moved to think about suicide and marshal those thoughts into a coherent opinion.
What is all too clear is how stupidly, ridiculously and unprecedently lucky I have been. A phrase coined by some wag in the hospital was, ‘lottery-win lucky.’ This does not quite cover it though. I have been as lucky as someone doing a lottery line for the first time and winning all of a £38 million rollover. Having found a pound coin under a four-leaved clover by an undiscovered cider spring. I was a bit more lucky than that. To be in this position of surviving suicide and having another go at this thing called life is almost surreal. However, there is room for sober reflection.
The first point about suicide is very simple. There are no grey areas, it is completely black and white; suicide is utterly wrong. There are no reasons, no excuses, no rationales that could ever excuse the unilateral and premature ending of your life. No-one lives in a vacuum and the argument that your will to die should be respected does not stand up at all. Suicide is the most stupid and selfish thing that a human being could possibly do and it is the most terrible mistake you could possibly make. Suicide being what it is, it is a mistake that you will only make the once; after that there is nothing. If I managed to make just one point from all of the interviews I have done recently, it would have to be that suicide is simply wrong. If you are suicidal, know that if you succeed you will be wrong and that is that. It is a Grange Hill moment; just say ‘No.’
Every human being has the potential for fulfillment and altruism whatever the circumstances. You never know what is going to happen tomorrow or whom you might meet. Never give up. To re-mint couple of clichés; ‘Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.’, and, ‘No matter how bad things get, at some point in the future, this will only be a memory.’ Suicide is not an option. Throughout history the only suicide that could possibly be justified was Hitler; the exception to prove the rule.
My initial thinking was based around the idea that your life is the only thing you truly have. It is the first thing you are given when you are born, and the last thing you lose before you die. Life is transitory but everything else fleeting. I have since realized that this is not true.
You life is not your own. Your life is a potential gift to the rest of humanity. The analogy being that of the editor of a newspaper; it is not yours but everything about it is completely down to you. You make all the decisions and choose who else is involved in the process. No-one else has the responsibility for your life and you take the plaudits when things go well as well as the blame for when things go wrong. No-one else can be held responsible for your actions. Your life is simply not yours to throw away. All suicide achieves is immeasurable pain. No-one knows how many people will be severely affected by your death. People you have not even thought of in years will be stricken with grief.
The second part of my thoughts centred around what to do as an alternative to ending it all. By definition, being suicidal is very introspective and insular. Much as I loathe religion, each one does contain a germ, a modicum, a mote, a kernel of truth. Whether you call it ‘Karma’ ‘Sow and reap’ or whatever, it does not matter, the best way to gain the most from life is to give. I don’t mean money, although you can if you like, I mean giving of yourself. There are always people and places crying out for volunteers. If you look outside of yourself to give to others, there is always someone worse off, you will find the holes in your own emotions and psyche can be filled in the most extraordinary fashion. Believe me, I do know. We do, unfortunately, live in a very dishonest society. The most popular television programmes, soaps and reality shows, feature the worst in human behaviour, with people being utterly foul to one another. This mindset is the diametric opposite to the best and most fulfilling way to live. No matter what the flavour, every single human being on the planet has the unalienable rights of sustenance, fresh air and respect. Every person you meet should be treated with respect until they demonstrate that they are idiots after all. Then avoid them. Avoid all negative people and all negative situations, including dismal television. Start with the simple things in life; be clean yourself. Make your environment clean. Set small challenges that will leave you feeling as though something has been achieved. If you need to make changes then make them. There are always excuses for not doing what needs to be done but you must rise above them. It is far better to hurt people a little than by wrecking their lives, as suicide does. This is all easier said than done, but there is so much help available. Talking to someone who does care is essential. If there are no family members who will listen without prejudice, then a friend. If there are no suitable friends there are untold professionals who vocationally want to listen. One of the mistakes I made was thinking that I shouldn’t burden anyone with my petty problems. This was, and is completely wrong. The people in the drop-in centres and on the end of ‘phone-lines want to be bothered. It is what they do, what they have chosen to do, what they have trained to do for years. It makes their day if they feel that they have genuinely helped someone.
Never be confused between suicide and assisted death. There have been two cases in the media of late; a lady with MS who wants her husband to help her in Switzerland but not be prosecuted on return, and the thirteen year old who wants to refuse further treatment. Suicide is when you go against the wishes of everyone who knows you and you destroy a human life, leaving nothing but pain, bewilderment, guilt, regret and emotional carnage that will never heal. A terrible legacy. Assisted death is when those who love you agree that your life holds nothing but pain and unending condescension, with any moment of happiness being momentary and shallow. When there is nothing anyone can do, your life is your own and it is your decision. Other than death the two have nothing in common.
In conclusion, there is nothing good about suicide at all; it is completely and unmovingly wrong. No-one knows what life has waiting around the corner and, from my own little experience, there is always hope. Two years ago I was unremittingly miserable. Now I bound out of bed every morning, full of excitement for the day ahead. There is nothing I can be proud or boastful about; it has all just happened to me. I’ve had no real control over anything. If I can turn my life around, anyone can. There is nothing even slightly special about me, but in these parlous times I am an example of how life can go up as well as down.
Never give up; talk to someone. Please.